


Surface Understanding

by miloron (ocoa)



Category: NU'EST
Genre: AU - Time travel, Hes also kind of an asshole, M/M, Minhyun has like issues in this fic, it’s cool it all works out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-23
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-05-27 08:55:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15021101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ocoa/pseuds/miloron
Summary: Hwang Minhyun wakes up, a trainee again, with the future bubbling in his head and complicated feelings blurring his sight. For one, the man he’d apparently grown to love dies.





	1. Deja Vu

**Author's Note:**

> This was an ASKfm suggestion :P  
> Twitter: @mironcle  
> ASKfm: @bugiron

Minhyun woke up that first night with tears running down his cheeks, chest burning with loss, and head running. He quickly wiped it away, blinking away the vestiges of the nightmare away, but realised that someone was watching him carefully from their bed. Jonghyun wordlessly passed him a packet of tissues, and the action was enough to stir something deep within Minhyun and had him pushing away the proffered item and stumbling into the bathroom and retching into the sink. Nothing came up, except for memories of the dream.

It seemed too real, but Minhyun didn’t want to believe it. The dream ran like he had lived through it, the marriage, the joy, the life they had. He looked up from the sink and sees Jonghyun look at him worriedly from the mirror. He saw Jonghyun as he was at the present time, and what felt like the future, when he’s 30 and dead.

His heart tore itself up, shredded with heartache and guilt.

“Are you okay, Minhyun?”

He wanted to bark out a laugh. He wanted to cry, but all he did was smile and say “yes.”

Jonghyun looked at him unconvinced, but Minhyun shouldered past him to climb back into his bed.

The dream was stupid.

* * *

The next day found Jonghyun trying to figure out a way to talk about it with Minhyun. Even years in the past he’d always been the overly worried trainee, even with aggressively parental people like Seungcheol and somewhat later Nayoung. Minki had once called it the “sunbae trainee” syndrome, though their maknae had treated Jonghyun with about as much formality as a parent with their child. 

In any case, Minhyun simply evaded the queries.

“I have to say Minhyun,” their instructor said one day, “I’m impressed.”

“Um, thank you sir...?”

The instructor bellowed a deep laugh, “I’ve never seen someone improve as fast from their first day as you, though you would need to train your body to get it as sharp as you need.” Minhyun stiffened, quickly gaping in an effort to say something. He had just did it the way he remembered doing it, but somehow the actions felt familiar, routine, ingrained into his mind.

He tried to understand why, but all he can think of are images and a nauseating sense of deja vu.

He quickly excused himself.

“Hey Minhyun, you wanna get something at the street across the company?” Minki waved him over. The deja vu set in once more, his dreams merging with his fellow trainee’s voices.

_“Yeah, there’s this really good-“_

“-restaurant along the shopping district,” Seungcheol said, grinning.

Jihoon nodded. “It’s-“

_“-cheap too!”_

“I _r_ eco _mm_ end th _eir_ _ja_ pch _ae_ , it’s _the_ _b_ est!” Dongho slipped an arm around Minhyun’s neck, voice too loud when there’s two playing in his head. He heard his blood roar, something deep in his chest gurgling.

Everything was too familiar, too similar, too...

The realisation hit him hard.

“Minhyun, are you okay?”

He stared at Jonghyun’s eyes, dark, worried. His heart pushed and pulled too loud for him to think. Everything didn’t fit, starting with the way it fit too well. 

His dreams felt too real.

If they were coming true...

_The ringing silence of the overly sterile room._

Then wouldn’t Jonghyun be in danger?

* * *

_He’s staring down at his clenched hands, head hanging over them. His hands are cold, but he can barely feel them past the numbness in his veins._

_A shadow crosses over his feet._

_“Minhyun...”_

_Two warm (different for_  his _, Minhyun's mind provides_ _)_ _bodies sit at his sides, and even when Minhyun doesn't look up, he knows Dongho is standing in front of him, awkwardly trying to find a way to diffuse the silence._

_It’s been a long time since they gathered like this, too busy to meet. It doesn’t feel complete though._

_“You did what you thought best,” Aron murmurs, hand grasping his shoulder._

_It doesn’t shake away the guilt that had taken residence in his mind._

* * *

In a different time, Hwang Minhyun shot up awake, a vacant feeling in his heart and a new resolve burned in his heart.


	2. Spiralling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when he thinks he's got a plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall Dejavu and Who, You was so good I am living for this comeback!

Minhyun never was one for letting the future decide his past. The future was an unknown, changeable, and if he was avoiding all the choices he’d made in the past that led to the future he knew, he was just making certain that his fate was one that he chose. Not any other reason. And if he was avoiding the first male trainee, it was simply because he disliked the feelings that were brought out of him.

The loss, the fear, the feeling of emptiness like the _ringing silence of the room when the weak heartbeat silences-_

Instead, he found he quite liked the company of their new trainee from America, Aaron. And Aaron was a breath of fresh air in the way that he never tried to probe, he couldn’t rather, not when his Korean was still lacking. Instead, he would sit by Minhyun when he couldn’t sleep, when he’s scared of the nightmares coming back ( _of hearing the ringing silence of the hospital room, the cold fingertips_ ) and put on an American show to pass the night. It was pure irony that one night he put on Back To The Future.

Minhyun watched it from the corner of his eye, and Aaron with rapt attention. It was a part of him that never changed, Minhyun realised, something so refreshing when he’s surrounded by the idealistic looks of his former (future?) groupmates, too young to realise what they signed up for. Aaron was always trying to help people in his own way.

Minhyun sighed, and decided to lay his feet on Aaron’s lap. Aaron looked at him with a raised eyebrow and a exasperated sigh.

Minhyun hid the smile he wore, and instead focused on how Marty and Doc Brown tried to change their present.

Change their present.

Like what Minhyun was trying to do.

Avoid the future that they knew was going to happen by changing the present...

He looked up at Aaron.

What if.

His chest tightened with the possibility.

What if.

* * *

 

_“Minhyun... you need to come out... at least eat a little?”_

_No answer._

_“Listen Minhyun...Sujin’s going to come over soon to pick you up for lunch. She’s not going to let you say no, you know that.”_

_Still no answer._

_“Jonghyunnie wouldn’t be happy knowing you’re like this...”_

_Silence, but there’s something in the air that changes, and Minhyun feels a sting at Aaron addressing the elephant in the room._

_“Pleas-“_

_The door opens, and Minhyun’s eyes are tired and red with strain and lack of sleep. He looks older than the 30 years he is._

_Aaron looks at him. There’s something sad in his smile, even as he pushes Minhyun towards the toilet._

_“Let’s get you washed up before your sister comes yeah?”_

* * *

“Minhyun-ah,” Minhyun looked up from his food, “CEO Han wants to talk to you.”

Minhyun pressed his lips together. The event was something eerily familiar, and he remembered it from the memory that resurfaced the night before. As he suspected, Seungcheol went around their circle of trainees to tell Minki, Dongho, Aaron and Jonghyun, and he caught Jonghyun’s eyes for a millisecond before instinctively forcing it down to his food. He stood, quickly packing it and throwing the packet away before walking to the office. The echoes of shuffling feet behind him was all that was needed for him to know that the rest had gone out with him too.

The knowledge of what the five of them were only made the weight in Minhyun’s chest settle like lead. The blood rushed through him like electricity as he trudged his way through the hauntingly distant memory of the old Pledis office, something in the tingle of his fingertips itched beneath his skin.

The others were blissfully unaware, only Minki seemed to have a clue. There was a nervous glint in his eye, one that he hid with a quick smile when he noticed Minhyun looking.

Minhyun tried to return the gesture, but it felt awkward and clunky.

Sungsoo looked younger, a little more idealistic, as always holding the eyes of the ballerino he was. He was always a performer through and through, and even when he’d managed groups, there was always that artiste’s point of view that made him...not the best at managing. But it didn’t stop Minhyun’s chest from sinking even further, and a faint memory of a fatherly smile and an “ _I’m glad you’re happy_ ” flitted through his mind.

He blinked the thought away, and he recounted the words that come out of Sungsoo’s mouth like he’d seen it a thousand times. He hadn’t, but the scene was ingrained in him.

“You must be wondering why I called you give here.”

Jonghyun pressed his lips together. He’d realised.

Minhyun grabbed Aaron’s wrist. In another life, he hadn’t stood next to Aaron. The action felt out of place, but so would not doing a thing. His muscles twitched.

“We have been in touch with some of the producers we hired for a new song.” Sungsoo smiled, warm, fatherly. “We’re debuting the five of you under a new group, Nu’est.”

The lead in his stomach sinked and landed with a thud. Something rose up his throat, and his chest wound tight. He tasted the bitterness of inevitable failure.

In another world, he would have been happy to finally debut, to be in a group with people he’d grown to care for like a family. In another world, he would have been standing next to Jonghyun, feeling Jonghyun’s hands interlock with his, getting too distracted by the news to notice how the fingers were warm and felt right in his hands. In another world, he wouldn’t have had extensive knowledge of how his first love died.

In another world, he wouldn’t have known that they were going to face failure and humiliation before they faced joy and contentment.

“Minhyun?”

He looked up, Aaron looked back at him worriedly.

“You’re crying.”

The phrase caught the others' attention, and they flicked their eyes onto him. Minhyun felt the attention, the questioning, the  _sympathy, distress, fear, worry, "are you okay" "I'm so sorry Minhyun" "it's not your fault" "did you notice any changes in him before he collapsed" "Minhyun did you know"_   _"why didn't you tell us"_ overwhelm him, and he pushed Minki and Aaron away. He avoided looking at their worried and shocked faces and found himself glancing at Jonghyun. Jonghyun looked at him with frighteningly even eyes, just like how he looked when he  _tells Minhyun "I'm sick. The doctor doesn't know if I'll ever recover. I'm not scared."_

Oh god.

“I-“ his voice was shaking, like he was vibrating so fast he would disappear. “I..”

He gulped, feeling his throat tighten and his lungs turn heavy. Cold sweat ran down the back of his neck. He had to leave. He had to go. He had to-

Minhyun turned and ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> watch out for that grammar ;)


	3. Resolutions

You don’t remember things you’re not supposed to without any consequences. 

That was why Minhyun has stuck himself in a closet somewhere, watching his hands shake as flood after flood of terror and panic hit him. He knew how to deal with panic attacks, Daniel used to have some before performances, and Jisung had taught him how to work the younger through the stress, but it wasn’t working, his hands were still shaking and he couldn’t breathe.

He swiped angrily at the blur in his vision and gasped for oxygen, coughing when the air rushed in roughly, cold against the walls of his lungs.

There was a knock on the door.

“Minhyun?”

Minhyun hated how he straightened his back at the voice.

“Minhyun-ah, if you’re inside, come out? It’s okay, CEO Han isn’t angry. We’re just worried about you.”

His heat thudded heavily against his chest and straight into his ears.

He felt Jonghyun pull away from the closet door.

It was only moments after that he realised that he wasn’t panicking anymore.

He felt a laugh bubble in his chest but clamped it shut, pulling himself into a tight ball.

It was funny, how even after everything’s changed, how puberty had reversed and they were back to the quiet lilt of Jonghyun’s voice, he could calm Minhyun by just speaking. Minhyun breathed in deep, slow, let the air balloon his chest.

Then he opened the closet door and stepped out.

* * *

He wasn’t taken out of the lineup, but Sungsoo continued to look at him with vague worry. No one liked an unhinged idol after all. The rest of the newly formed Nu’est all treated him slightly more carefully than they did before, like they expected him to crash and burn again. He was too tired for that, the nights had been too filled with nightmares and dreams that had him shoot awake.

Aaron walked up to him after the meeting with Sungsoo. “Are you okay?” He asked.

“I don’t know.”

And maybe it’s his wounded pride that makes him spit it out with more annoyance than he expected. Aaron blinked at him, pressing his lips together and walking off.

Minhyun pressed his fingers to his head, and let out a sigh. Aaron didn’t really talk to him much after that.

He forced himself awake one day, stared at the glaring red 3:00 before sighing and crawling out of the bed. He found himself in the shared kitchen, sipping at a cup of water. The night was quiet, and the insomnia made everything seem surreal and looming. He pressed his palms to his eyes, sighing.

He had to sleep, the next day was their filming for the music video. But the need for it never appeared, instead all that played on his mind was yet another dream, a memory, a blurred image as he stood over everyone, alone, tired, scared.

And ever since he’d started having the dreams, he was always that.

Alone.

Tired.

_Scared._

There was no other way to call the anxiety pumping through his veins, the feeling of his muscles pulled taut ready to run even in the most mundane circumstance. He dug his fingertips into his palm.

It’s weird, he thought, that even when he felt pain he never felt like he was in the moment.

“Minhyun?”

A dreary voice broke through his reverie. Jonghyun came plodding out, palm rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Minhyun released his hands, snapping up to look at his leader in the eye. It was scary how young he looked now. How young he actually was.

“H-hey.” He cursed the way his voice cracked and shifted. Jonghyun didn’t see to notice and slid into the chair beside his.

“Couldn’t sleep?”

Minhyun shrugged. “A little stressed out.”

“By the debut, or something else?”

Minhyun pressed his lips together. It was always kind of scary how Jonghyun picked up these kinds of things, especially during bad times.

“So something else then.” Jonghyun gave a small smile and curled up against the table, drooping eyes peeking out from behind the pillow his arms made. “You wanna talk about it?”

“You should sleep, you look tired. What time did you even go to bed?”

“Hmm, about...2 hours ago? It’s okay, I want to talk to you.”

“Jonghyun...”

“Please?” Jonghyun sat up and pressed his lips together, voice tightening with restraint. “We’ll be a group soon, and we’ll have to work with each other closely. You can’t expect me or any of the rest to just listen to your nagging when you don’t let us take care of you either... we want to be friends Minhyun... and we’re worried about you. Concern isn’t just a one way thing.”

Minhyun stared at Jonghyun, taken aback by the speech. “I do think we’re friends.” He ended lamely.

Jonghyun sighed, hand wiping his face frustratedly.

“What happened during the announcement, that made all of us worried. More than just our concern with you, while very real, the truth is that if you’re going to balk like that during performances, then at the very least I want you to know the pressure isn’t just on you.”

Jonghyun glanced up at him, eyes more focused than Minhyun had seen in a long time.

“We are a team, first and foremost. And we stick together.”

“Even when we don’t work out, or if we disband?”

“Even then.”

_Ohana,_ Jonghyun had quoted in a different time, in a voice that grinned cheekily, _means family - and family means no one gets left behind._

Minhyun fought back the smile that twitched at his cheeks. Jonghyun never really changed, no matter what event came his way.

“We’ll take it as it comes. Together.”

Jonghyun always made it sound so easy.

He talked to Aaron the day after.

“I’m sorry.” He spoke in English, to make sure Aaron understood. Aaron blinked at him, narrowing his eyes slightly in confusion. They never talked in English before. But Minhyun supposed in the future they do.

“Did you sort yourself out? Because you were kinda a dick to a lot of people. Especially Jonghyun.”

Minhyun thought about the solid feeling that settled in his heart, about the heavy thuds of his chest in his ears, about the warmth at the thought. He smiled.

“Yeah. Yeah I think I did.”

* * *

 

_“Will you ever regret...this?”_

_“What? Our marriage?”_

_“Not just that, everything. Coming out, getting together with me.”_

_“I don’t regret... I regret not showing you my feelings even earlier.”_

_“You’re such a sap.”_

_“Don’t tell the fans.”_

_A laugh, softer than the wind._

_“I’m sorry Minhyunnie.”_

_“Don’t ever apologise.”_

_“I hope you live happily even after I’m gone-,”_

_“You’re not-,”_

_“I love you, okay?”_

_His hands don’t feel warm against Minhyun’s cheeks, they’re pale and skin hangs loose over the bones of his fingers. Minhyun holds onto them like the world’s greatest treasure._

_“Don’t ever forget.”_

 


	4. Conclude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not all roads lead to Rome.

It was years since they had that talk that night, Jonghyun’s hand too warm on his head to not be real, and Minhyun tried not to think too much about the gurgling mass under his stomach as his mental checklist of memories ticked off one by one. He looked away when Jonghyun has his Hello kiss, but his tongue at the atrocity that was Sleeptalking’s style (even when he can’t hide the fact that he really really liked Jonghyun’s perm) and bit the inside of his cheek when he saw Dongho’s orange hair for Good Bye Bye.

And maybe it’s a bit masochistic that he sat himself through the hours that Jonghyun stayed in the studio trying to perfect himself, and started dragging him to the showers to make sure he at least had some sleep, and that he didn’t want to think about that night in Japan until it came, and when it did still can’t fight the tears. Events like that were a certainty, rather than something changeable. Just like them going to Produce 101 after years with a lack of success even when everyone who was anyone praise them. Minhyun thought maybe that is what made Dongho more frustrated than ever.

_“We’re doing everything right, why isn’t it showing?”_

Minhyun never really had an answer for that, even after one time loop. “We’ll get there,” he said when he got the chance to, and Dongho laughed, a scoff more than his usual cackle-giggle. Despite this they weren’t the type to give up. They never had been in any timeline. Jonghyun, like always, worried.

_“Should we go?” Jonghyun asked, uncertain and pained._

They needed to. “This is our last chance.”

“Last chance... Ha... _I wish I was-_ “

“Don’t. Don’t say that about yourself.” It’s not like another round had changed anything. Jonghyun looked at him, eyes peering coolly at him.

It was a harder stare than Minhyun remembered it to be, when Minhyun had the memory of an immature and childish Jonghyun.

He ignored the wariness in his head and reached out to touch Jonghyun’s hands, before moving them to interlock their fingers. “We can do this. Together. All five of us.”

Jonghyun’s hands shook beneath his, but the leader tightened his grip and nodded. The familiar fire was blazing hot in his eyes.

Minhyun’s heart rose to his throat, and it took him everything to swallow it down.

“I have to tell you something.”

Jonghyun cocked his head.

Minhyun licked his lips, “I don’t want to say it now, not when we’re preparing for the competition, but after everything... after everything I’ll tell you.”

Jonghyun frowned, mouth pressed thin. Slowly he sighed before moving back away from Minhyun’s space. His hand was still in Minhyun’s, but he settled onto Minhyun’s shoulder. “Okay. After everything.”

“After everything.”

* * *

 

After everything was 2 years later, when Jonghyun looked younger and Minhyun feeling older. The dreams still come and go, and some days he woke up with a smile, feeling complete and a warm hand in his and some days he felt the solid touch of a mistake. Minki looked at him, confessed that sometimes Minhyun looked a decade older.

“Not physically, but...”

The day he said that, Minhyun had dreamt of the first time Jonghyun collapsed.

It’d been a long time since he’d regressed to this stage, the desolate emptiness that pained his soul until he finds himself too tired to smile. Not even Jonghyun can help that, even with his quiet teasing and his offers to film more live videos together. The last time had been years ago, the pain had numbed but he supposes that even the idealism of romance fades off.

Jonghyun drags him out one day, forces him to take a seat in a quiet park, and asks him, “that time, when we were talking, you said you wanted to tell me something.”

And it’s almost too much when it comes back, the wave of fear and what if’s rolling over him like a crashing tide.

“I don’t know if you want to know.”

Jonghyun rolls his eyes, mockingly, playfully, tries to ease the tension but it fails pitifully, so he slides into his more serious tone.

“Even if it’s bad, I want to know. Everything.”

“As a leader?”

“As a friend.”

Minhyun doesn’t want to think about how the word is tacked on weirdly, said in just that slight tonal switch, like a fur ball stuck in Jonghyun’s throat.

Instead, he takes a deep breath, and clenches his eyes closed at how wet it sounds, how it shudders.

He wonders why it feels like a “now” at this moment, had it never felt like the present until now?

“The truth is,” he starts, words landing heavily from the tip of his tongue, “I think I love you.”

Jonghyun doesn’t react, maybe he doesn’t realise it yet, like the first time Minhyun confessed. Maybe he’d stand up before letting Minhyun finish, walk away and track him down a week later with a surprisingly positive reaction.

“Ok,” Jonghyun actually says, “what else?”

Minhyun blinks. “I-ah... I actually started dreaming of the future since we started training together.”

“The night you were crying? I thought that was you being homesick.”

Minhyun shakes his head. “That day, I remembered you but older, and you died.”

Jonghyun widens his eyes, but nevertheless doesn’t interrupt.

“I killed you...”

“How?” Jonghyun’s whisper sounds harsh in the ringing silence of night time, and for a moment it feels like it was only them in a world too big. The stars are small, and the darkness of the night erases their light.

“You were sick. They said you weren’t going to wake up. So I told them to let you go. They were right...I killed you.”

Jonghyun stays quiet, somber, looks down at his lap. Minhyun doesn’t know what to say to cover the ringing silence. So he continues to stare up.

The stars don’t shine brightly in Korea.

“That’s a lot to take.” Jonghyun says. “I don’t know what to say.”

Minhyun huffed a humourless laugh, “Yeah....”

“What was he like? The Jonghyun from before. After?”

Minhyun thinks of a gummy smile, a rumbling voice, a simple band around his finger.

“Just like you.” He smiles, “you don’t change.”

Jonghyun flushes, clearing his throat slightly, “I always kinda thought that you liked Aaron-hyung instead.”

Ah that’s embarrassing.

“You’re blushing.” Jonghyun teases. “Did you really like him?”

“I tried to, I wanted to try and forget, maybe then your future would change.”

The tone falls flat and somber, and Jonghyun’s eyes darken a little. “I don’t think it’s fair for you to take control of my life.”

”What?”

Jonghyun frowned, “I deserve to make my choices too. And if I don’t change that much, then I’d like to think that I didn’t regret at all.”

”Ah-,”

“If I had loved you, I would have wanted you to let me go rather than clinging to an dead end. And you did.”

“You aren’t someone that I can just drop!”

“We can’t live for each other Minhyun. Like me, like Aaron, like Dongho, like Minki, like anyone else in the world,” Jonghyun put his hand on Minhyun’s chest, “you are someone too. You don’t live for anyone, not for me, not for anyone, but yourself. Just like I will live for myself. I don’t want you to sacrifice your life to protect me.”

Minhyun’s eyes drop to his hands where they pull at the tips of his jeans.

“If I am truly the same as I would have been, then I don’t regret anything, not our time before Produce, not joining Pledis, and certainly not falling in love with you.”

Minhyun’s head flinched up. Jonghyun looks away just as fast, cheeks tinted red and eyes focused squarely on the moon in the sky.

”Even if something would happen in the future, I wouldn’t regret loving you.” Jonghyun’s eyes meet his halfway through the sentence.

Minhyun laughs, watery, hysterical, and they come out of his body like sobs, before he leans into Jonghyun’s chest. Jonghyun’s arm rests on his head.

“I love you.” Minhyun says. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up,” Jonghyun replies.

They stay like that until the sun rises, a blazing light that colours the sky pink and blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check my Twitter (@mironcle) for a poll regarding this :-) 
> 
> And that’s the end! I gotta go to sleep but I hope everyone enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> Surprise :) 
> 
> This took forever... admittedly because I am a procrastinator hahah  
> Anyway come back is in like 2 days and what better way to celebrate than to publish a story that’s been sitting in my notes for the past few months which is (coincidentally enough) about deja vu and memories and stuff. Funny how I just realised that. 
> 
> Anyway I hope that you enjoyed the first chapter, I’m going to be updating this weekly. Thank you to the anon who suggested this ;w; I actually finished this around the time I finished the Jihoon birthday fic so you can imagine how much I postponed this,,, I’m so sorry about that. Look out for the next chapters, and let me know how y’all like it! 
> 
> Also please show support for Nu’est W when they come back!
> 
> > Follow me on twitter @kwaks43!


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